Sunday, May 8, 2011

Honey


My little cat Honey is dying. She was diagnosed two or maybe three weeks ago with kidney failure, and despite my best efforts has slowly wasted away. I am very sad. I’m also feeling very guilty because I was negligent in various ways.

We adopted Honey nine years ago from the local animal shelter. She was a pregnant stray who was very close to being euthanized. So in another sense I am feeling quite virtuous because we prolonged her life, and because her life was by and large a good one, with plenty of food and water and love.

Somewhere between guilt and virtue lies a truth about our lives and our deaths. I don’t know what it is.

I know that I love the little creature and that she loves me. She’s lying right now in the garden, under a rose bush, in the sunshine, while her life slowly ebbs away. Margaret and I have been weeding the vegetable garden, stopping now and then to visit with her. She lifts her head a bit when we touch her then falls back into a doze. This is best death I can give her, to let her lie in a safe familiar place, to return to her again and again so she can hear my voice and feel my touch.

I know that there is great teaching in all this, about suffering and impermanence. But right now all I want to do is cry.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Sometimes I wonder if animals, when faced with dying, suffer as humans do. For Christina and Margaret...Kwan Seum Bosal, Kwan Seum Bosal, Kwan Seum Bosal.